Musketeer
If there’s one classic story that Hollywood seemingly cannot get enough of when it comes to remakes, it’s that of the Three Musketeers, Alexandre Dumas’ tale of the King Of France’s loyal protectors and the new guy that comes to join them, even spawning another remake within the past couple of months! This 2001 version directed by Peter Hyams comes with a not so tantalizing gimmick: ALL the swordfights and action scenes are choreographed by the same guys who did the Matrix films and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon! Thus, we are treated to D’Artagnan and friends (well, mostly D’Artagnan) engaging in fights and stunts that are pretty much impossible for any humans to do in real life today, much less a few hundred years ago when the story took place. Worse, when it came to the casting budget, it looks like they spent top dollar to fill a bunch of secondary roles in the enterprise, such as Catherine Deneuve as The Queen, Mena Suvari as Constance (here called Francesca) and Tim Roth playing the villain in a role he could play in his sleep, essentially his classic Archibald Cunningham from Rob Roy sporting an eyepatch, along with Crying Game’s Stephen Rea as Cardinel Richelieu. Unfortunately, when it came to casting the roles of the MUSTKETEERS THEMSELVES, they sadly decided to go with a bunch of no-name journeymen actors with little to no screen presence, a fatal mistake as one of the reasons previous adaptations usually employed big stars in the roles is pretty much because Athos, Aramis, Porthos, and D’Artagnan are really NOT all that interesting as characters to begin with, and a big name actor makes it easier for the viewer to identify with and care for them. In the key role of D’Artagnan himself, we get Justin Chambers, an actor who went on to Grey’s Anatomy and even resembles previous incarnation Chris O’Donnell, but his acting is completely flat and monotonous and worse, his chemistry with Suvari is virtually nonexistent. As much as the script tries to rewrite certain elements of the original story and even rename certain characters, the dialogue comes across as borderline juvenile and embarrassing, some characters are barely introduced and developed, and the whole thing crawls along slowly even at a running time of 1 hour and 45 minutes. Even worse, the film suffers from washed out looking cinematography and even choppy editing, usually the one thing we can count on in even the most mundane projects like these. Things are slightly redeemed towards the end with a spirited sword fight between Chambers and Roth that naturally defies the laws of physics, but overall, this is perhaps the WORSE Musketeer film of all, with its gimmick not being worthy of the ticket price or 5 dollars it costs to buy out of the Walmart bargain bin…
3/10