Hitman
Adapting a video game into a movie is rarely a good idea, as the types that whittle away hours of their lives trying to conquer the latest Playstation release are not accustomed to appreciating little subtleties like story, character development, and sensible plots (the Resident Evil movies are examples of this), and thus the movie versions are forced to compensate poorly because of actually how thin and flimsy their source material is. Take this release from 2007, which is guilty of all of the above crimes, but at least at its center it is inhabited by a star in Timothy Olyphant, who brings badass presence, charisma, and physical style to the role of Agent 47. What he lacks though is any kind of origin story, save for some quick edits during the opening credits which commit the unforgivable sin of reusing actual footage from the totally unrelated TV show Dark Angel. It would appear Olyphant was raised and trained by some shadowy organization to work as a freelance assassin whose assignments are still facilitated through the group. However, since Olyphant (and all others like him) walks around not only with a shaved head but also a big ugly barcode on the back of their skull, it’s obvious that being inconspicuous is NOT a priority of this secretive group, when in fact all of their operatives stick out in a crowd like a sore thumb, especially troubling when you consider that wearing a hat or a wig is not even considered an option. The plot, what there is, concerns Olyphant being given the assignment of rubbing out the apparent new President of Russia (who supposedly is a nice guy unlike Putin), and after blowing the guy’s head apart, is shocked to learn that his target (or at least a double) is now walking around with little more than a band aid on his head vowing to bring those responsible to justice. Of course, who, what, how, or why such a plan was hatched is never explained (a bad idea), other than the fact that a beautiful Russian whore (future Bond girl Olga Kurylenko) is now targeted for elimination due to her having a sexual relationship with the dead / alive man, and is potentially a liability due to her inside knowledge of how the conspiracy was hatched. This leads to Olyphant (who himself was screwed over by his own people) taking her under his wing to protect her, and it is only in their scenes together that the movie displays anything resembling a heartbeat, as their possible attraction to each other is tempered by the fact that Olyphant cannot afford to (or was trained not to) have a sexual relationship with even the most gorgeous of women since it might weaken and / or distract him from the job he has to do. Outside of that, the movie mostly consists of one ridiculous action scene after another, usually with Olyphant vastly outnumbered but taking out his enemies nonetheless, and even though I can appreciate the director making the numerous shooting deaths on display of the most gruesome variety, the ludicrous nature of them along with the way the script poorly strings them along and sets them up, waters down much of the possible adrenaline rush that one could receive from such a massive amount of violence, with the absolute lowlight being when Olyphant is surrounded by three other hitmen who have guns trained on him and dead to rights, at which he asks that he be allowed to “die with honor”, leading all four to pull broadswords and have a 3 on 1 knifefight (which Olyphant of course wins). As for the supporting cast, Dougrey Scott as the Interpol agent on Olyphant’s trail is stiff and wooden as he laughably tries to make his turn “intense”, and Rob Knepper is laughably over the top in the tradition of Peter Stormare as the Russian intelligence agent in on the conspiracy. Overall, outside of the likability and charisma of the two leads, a failed action movie on all counts, and more proof that video games are best left played by those who, much like the title character, have eschewed all relationships with the opposite sex in favor of the mindless action…
4/10