TerrorVision
Itâs pretty amazing that in this day and age of the 4K / Blu Ray / Home Media / Streaming boom, where various older films and TV shows are constantly being remastered and released in crystal clear high definition presentations, the demands of the market have seen a remarkable downturn in the said remastering of acclaimed dramas as even Oscar nominated films from as recently as The 1980s remain unreleased in favor of nearly every known horror and exploitation movie from the exact same era, regardless of quality or even its level of success at the time of its original release. A prime example would be this ridiculously stupid horror comedy from 1986 with a braindead script that was probably so flat to begin with that the semi talented cast were probably just making it up as they went along. Produced by the infamous father / son team of Albert and Charles Band at their lavish studios in Rome, Italy, this is the type of movie where the outdoor scenes are clearly shot indoors with a fake âhorizonâ background giving off the illusion of the scene taking place outside. One immediately knows that something is amiss when several characters are introduced within the first 5 minutes and nearly every actor seems to be acting overly âwildâ and âzanyâ in order to make their early impressions on the viewer with mixed results. The film actually begins at a âsanitation stationâ on a faraway planet where a mysterious and hideous creature appears to be getting destroyed but is instead zapped into being gamma rays that are transmitted to planet Earth and into the brand new satellite dish owned by Stan Putterman (Gerrit Graham), your typical suburban putz trying desperately to install his latest acquisition all while the guy who sold it to him (Sonny Carl Davis, best known as the irate customer who gets Judge Reinhold fired in Fast Times At Ridgemont High) stands there and watches while refusing to help, insisting that the warranty contract only covers repairs and not installation as he still chastises him for not taking his advice and purchasing a better (more expensive) satellite dish instead. Once the signal (which contains the essence of the alien monster) hits the satellite dish, it magically comes to life and now Stan and his family can excitedly gather in their living room and experience all of the wondrous channels that such a high powered dish can enable them to watch. This includes his fitness obsessed wife (Mary Woronov), his gorgeously punk rock daughter (Diane Franklin doing the most adept parody of an 80s stereotype than anybody else here), the precocious young son (Chad Allen) and the nuttier than a fruitcake Grandpa (Bert Remsen) who still deludes himself into thinking that heâs an active duty soldier complete with sleeping in the houseâs bomb shelter which is not only well stocked with every weapon known to man but (worse) he has also roped his young grandson into the same mindset including teaching him how to use firearms with live ammo. But thatâs not all: Turns out that the mom and dad are also active swingers who are about to go out âon the prowlâ (and one look at the architecture of the house is enough to convince anyone that either this family lives in some kind of an alternate dimension OR they are just some seriously twisted people) and the adorable daughter is dating a dipshit, brainless metalhead (think Bill and Ted only more grungy) played by Jonathan Gries. When the two couples head out for the night, that leaves the grandpa and grandson alone together watching TV (specifically a parody of Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark) and that is when the alien monster (an impressively grotesque creation even if it also looks dumb) can finally manifest itself out of the TV and start eating people basically liquifying them and then sucking them down its gullet even as it retains the ability to at least keep the heads active in order to give the impression to others that the victims are still alive (answering questions from behind closed doors, popping their heads from around the corner). The stakes get higher when the mom and dad return with another swinger couple (of which the male has intentions of unwanted gay sex with dad) and shortly after the daughter returns with the dipshit metalhead boyfriend as havoc starts breaking loose. It comes as no surprise that the underage son with his knowledge of firearms becomes the de facto hero of the film, but what IS a surprise (and a funny one) is the various acknowledgments by both the mom and sister that the boy is actually mentally ill and is not only on medication, but also seeing a psychiatrist as well! This also explains why nobody believes him when he runs around trying to tell everybody about the monster because (unlike most films where they just think that the kid has an overactive imagination) here they literally think that the boy is just having another one of his âepisodesâ and maybe just needs to take his meds so that heâll maybe shut up and stop saying such crazy shit, constantly demeaning him in the process. As if that isnât enough, it also turns out that the alien âsanitation supervisorâ from the faraway planet is broadcasting to our planet (or at the very least to the familyâs TV set) trying to warn everybody about what the monster is capable of but everybody just looks at him on the TV in his own alien makeup and dismisses his rambling to be a really bad science fiction movie. The highlight (or perhaps the heart) of the movie is when the boy, his sister and her boyfriend decide to stop running away or trying to kill the monster and instead try to get to know the hideous creature instead. In particular, Diane Franklin and Jonathan Gries score major comedy points as the empty headed couple who somehow (temporarily) make a connection with the monster and not only get it to say their names (in its monster voice) but they also manage to remember the scene from E.T. where they made the alien happy by feeding it, in this case giving the monster a ton of junk food before moving on to teach it about the benefits of (metal) music and TV. This 20 minute portion of the movie showing these characters âhanging outâ and relating to the monster (without being attacked) is easily the funniest and most entertaining part of the movie and supplies enough momentum to set up the absurd ending (where even the Elvira style horror hostess as seen on TV gets caught up in the action) but alas much of the material leading up to this is dreadfully bad and unfunny, almost a clinic on what the results would be when you have several actors who are obviously trying way too hard to make a comedic impression and wind up being neither funny nor impressive. Only Diane Franklin (best remembered by most people as the French foreign exchange student opposite John Cusack in Better Off Dead) even with her large and ludicrous pink tinged wig manages to come off as being luminous and also bringing heavy doses of charisma to the table playing her airheaded teen in such a way that one almost wishes that she didnât disappear for much of the first half and was allowed to carry the movie all the way through and Gries as her dipsy doodle boyfriend (a near clichĂ© in his own right for whom the best known example from the past would be Scott Valentineâs rocker boy, Nick, who had dated the teenage daughter played by Justine Bateman on Family Ties) plays off her very well to bring the first (and only) genuine laughs. Meanwhile, Gerrit Graham (a funny actor when given the right material such as Marshall Lucky in Used Cars) and Mary Woronov (a very prominent cult actress in her own right) as the swinger parents fail to generate much even in the way of chuckles and the younger son character (despite his genuine and acknowledged âissuesâ) just gives your typical âlittle kid whoâs smarter than the grown upsâ type performance. At the end of the day, no matter how deep into the realms of absurdity the whole thing goes, it also pushes the limits of stupidity without evolving into being anything at all surrealistic (otherwise known as brilliant), choosing instead to wallow in just being a story about a hungry monster on the loose in a bizarre art deco mansion with the occasional bright spot such as the monster happily sitting in the living room all by itself enjoying old black and white alien invasion flicks while obviously cheering on the aliens and the seriously stiff alien sanitation supervisor finally coming to Earth to clean up the mess and winding up being killed in 5 minutes. Sometimes smaller blessings can be the best onesâŠ
5/10