Tourist
Angelina Jolie continues her nearly unbroken streak as (outside of Madonna) possibly the most repugnant major actress to ever star in major Hollywood movies. Worse, she looks as if both Father Time and Mother Nature have finally caught up to her, as she walks through most of this 2010 release made up to look like a wax dummy straight out of the Madame Tussaud line, obviously a result of age and maybe a bit too much plastic surgery. Regardless, her presence lords over this movie like an ivory tower, with several men throughout pretending to act stunned by her âbeautyâ as she takes on a fake effected British accent. Jolie plays a woman who finds herself contacted by her long lost love (on the run for a theft of over 2 billion dollars) with instructions to get on the nearest train to Venice and pick a guy with a similar height and build to act as a decoy for both the cops and mobsters that are pursuing him (all the while Scotland Yard follows with an obvious tail that a blind man could sniff out). To that end, she selects a nebbishy American math teacher (Johnny Depp), pretending to be attracted and interested in him as the chase begins and she brings him to Venice and checks the two of them into a swanky hotel. Problem is, when she tries to shake him loose, it turns out (of course) that he has fallen madly in love with her, and in so doing, is willing to risk his life and freedom to save and protect her. It can be said that Depp does his job as well as can be, bringing an air of longing and mystery to his part that Jolie fails to match with her blank stares. Unfortunately, much of the film winds up feeling like a 90 minute long perfume commercial, where we half expect Jolie to suddenly look at the camera and promote the latest line from Chanel. This is hammered home by the fact that there really isnât much action going on here, with a couple of minor shootouts but nothing that really comes across as very interesting. In the supporting cast, we get Paul Bettany as the harried inspector leading up the investigation; former James Bond Timothy Dalton as his boss; and Steven (Victor Maitland) Berkoff (still recognizable from the large nasty pimple on his forehead) as the ultra rich gangster determined to get his money back and with a penchant for strangling his own henchmen to death whenever they screw up. Regardless, the story doesnât really go anywhere and even a late twist involving Jolieâs character (which apparently is supposed to make her more likable) really doesnât change the fact that most viewers have probably tuned out by that point and have little rooting interest in how everything works out. One could begrudgingly say that the scenery looks nice, with plenty of shots that belie the gorgeous and romantic nature of Venice, but the story at its center ultimately feels like itâs all pantomime with no real heart. In the end, if youâre one of those fellas who honestly feel that Angelina Jolie is the most beautiful woman walking the Earth, youâll probably love this, but all others—bewareâŚ
5/10