Yellowbeard

Yellowbeard

Sometimes an attempt is made with a comedy to just go all out and do the majority of the hard work in the casting office, using any and all resources to acquire as many big names as possible into one movie and then just let the chips fall where they may as far as how good it all turns out to be. In the case of classics like It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and Cannonball Run, it worked like a charm, but in the case of some other films, having all this fantastic talent on the set still requires a workable comedy script and stable direction. In the case of this 1983 release, the cast list at first glance is absolutely incredible, bringing some literal royalty from the world of British comedy such as Monty Python members and several character actors some of whom are of near legendary status in their own right, but they took things a step further and also brought in some top American talent most notably some regulars from the Mel Brooks camp and even the stoner comedy icons Cheech And Chong (whom although not the stars here received prominent billing when the film received a low key DVD release in the early 2000s most likely because the overall revival with their films was in full swing at that time). Some might consider this concept a tough sell for a comedy, that being not only a period piece but also a pirate movie as well (nearly every pirate movie from the 1970s onward had bombed at the box office before Johnny Depp had laced them up as Captain Jack Sparrow and this was no exception). More importantly, this had been a long time dream project of co writers and co stars Graham Chapman (from the Python camp) and Peter Cook (best known as The Impressive Clergyman from The Princess Bride but also a longtime legendary figure in British comedy going back to his teaming up with Dudley Moore) with a lot of the cast members taking part mostly out of favors and friendship to the 2 main creative stars. In fact, both of Chapman’s fellow Python alumni John Cleese and Eric Idle went on record as saying that while they thought that the movie itself had turned out to be terrible, they both had such a blast on the set while making it that they wouldn’t have missed it for anything else in the world. But is it that bad?? Actually, no not really. The first half of the film setting up the story is really quite hilarious with things only running out of steam in the second half. The only real downbeat note was in the death during filming of Marty Feldman (one of the reps from the Mel Brooks faction) strangely enough from suffering a heart attack after eating poisoned shellfish in a Mexican restaurant on location, a death that many have said could have been easily avoidable had it not been for Feldman’s voracious appetite for both cigarettes and coffee, two things which he was said to be constantly consuming nearly every waking minute. Another interesting note was that Chapman and Cook had originally written their script with none other than their friend and Who drummer Keith Moon intended to be cast in the title role but with Moon’s sudden and premature death it was Chapman himself who would step into the part and with his imposing height and build he turned out to be quite appropriate for the role. The film opens with the dread pirate Yellowbeard invading a Spanish galleon commanded by Cheech and Chong (with Chong actually being in charge and Cheech as the second banana). After a funny bit with Cheech banging his head on the floor in absolution for offending Chong, in bursts Yellowbeard and his second in command (Peter Boyle) who seizes the massive treasure on board while Cheech and Chong flee to fight another day later in the movie. However and just as to be expected amongst pirates, there is dissension in the ranks between Yellowbeard and Boyle, who as expected betrays his captain to have him put away on tax evasion charges. Only problem is that Boyle doesn’t know where Yellowbeard has buried his treasure and so when we meet up with him again 20 years later in prison, he’s still stomping around barely cognizant to the beatings and torture by the guards all while being followed around by a little friend and confidante (Feldman) who has really been planted there by Boyle in order to pry the secret of the treasure’s location out of him. Chapman’s Yellowbeard is soon visited by his estranged wife on the outside (Madeline Kahn) who glumly informs him that 20 years after their last “cuddle” (or RAPE as Yellowbeard prefers to call it) he is now the proud father of a 20 year old son (Martin Hewett, your typical male model pretty boy ingenue who later on admitted that the filmmakers would have been better off going with their interested first choice in Sting) before also being visited by a Royal Navy Commander (Idle) who jovially informs him that his sentence has now been extended, leading to Yellowbeard breaking out of prison (and Feldman also escaping amidst the chaos with Boyle’s help) and all parties involved (including Idle on behalf of Her Majesty) taking off in search of the treasure buried long ago. Co writer Cook (as the young man’s adoptive father roped into the whole ordeal) just about steals the movie while underplaying his slightly out of it Lordship who always seems like he’s had a few too many, getting more laughs in the process usually while he’s standing off to the side. Cleese’s part amounts for the most part to being a bizarre extended cameo, that of a blind man with acute hearing who also happens to be a government spy and informant, but the real scene stealing surprise and the funniest sequence in the movie goes to James Mason as the Navy Captain on whose ship Yellowbeard, Cook, and the son stowaway on with the intention of using it to head towards the island where the treasure is located. It’s a hilarious delight watching Mason scrutinize his various crew members illegally trying to smuggle various women aboard the ship (including giving him the opportunity to deliver the movie’s single best one liner: “Smith’s got tits.”) but then proving himself to be a total hypocrite when he gleefully introduces to the crew one of the officers named “Mr. Prostitute” (a gorgeous blonde with a fake moustache) who spends most of her time in his Captain’s Quarters. Doing a wicked parody of Captain Bligh with his bizarrely inhumane treatment of his own crew, Mason’s exit from the film leaves a void that never quite gets refilled even when Cheech And Chong return now as the despotic rulers of the island where (unknown to them) the treasure is buried with Chong in particular playing his ruler as a religious fanatic who sees torturing and killing people as a way to send them home to Heaven quicker although it can be argued that Cheech upstages him with a riotously funny death scene. Chong has his own underground torture chamber complete with a large pool of acid which turns out to be a convenient all purpose way to take out a number of the bad guys (including Feldman whose own onscreen death was sadly abbreviated and completed with a double due to his real life passing). Still, of all the character motivations, Boyle’s seems to be the most unwieldy as he appears to be shadowing Yellowbeard (and his son) so that he can be led to the treasure to have for himself, but despite installing himself as an officer on Mason’s ship (before leading the expected mutiny) and having Feldman performing incognito spy duty in order to gather intel (a great bit is a drunken Cook opening up his booze chest and seeing Feldman’s head in there blinking and smiling at him only for Cook to write it off as just him needing another drink while saying nothing to the others in the room), the fact that Yellowbeard is onboard the ship hiding below deck most of the time but is nonetheless picking off various crew members (including Kenneth Mars as the first mate for beating on his son) but yet never goes after Boyle (who he obviously must know is around) for whom he has more motivation to kill after having been betrayed by him is kind of difficult to accept as a point of logic. Also, while negative stereotype pirate jokes are always welcome, around the 10th or 11th time we get another rape joke thrown in there is certainly more than enough even as we get towards the end where the son finally gets a love interest in Chong’s innocent daughter (Stacey Nelkin) and daddy Yellowbeard shows his own interest as well. Overall, a mishmash of tasteless elements, comedy gold, bits that go nowhere and even a quick cameo from David Bowie…

7/10

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