The Island
Sir Michael Caine is certainly one of the Grand Old Troopers of modern movie acting, having gone from role to role knowing the possibility of greatness was always at hand but (even while winning two Oscars in the process) sometimes happening upon a project where the end results were less than satisfactory which would lead him to deem said failed project as being a mere “paycheck” role, none more infamously so than when he missed out on accepting his first Oscar in 1987 because he was on location filming the highly revered classic Jaws 4: The Revenge which at least in his own words, “paid for my new house”. However, this 1980 release became one of such notoriety to him that Caine refuses to discuss it publicly in any way, shape, or form to this day. It certainly had some impressive pedigree to it, having been written by original Jaws author Peter Benchley, scored by the beyond legendary Ennio Morricone, directed by one Michael Ritchie who was one of those journeyman types that occasionally came up with a classic such as Fletch or Golden Child and it also co starred the equally legendary Grand Old Trooper David Warner whose paycheck resume is even longer than Caine’s. There also seems to be an inordinate number of instantly recognizable character actors in this (especially in the first half), but how is the movie itself despite Caine’s bitter memories? The novel subject matter developed here by Benchley is that of having modern day pirates living in their own enclave off the coast of Florida, attacking and skewering any tourists that venture into their territory (which conveniently is right near The Bermuda Triangle which would easily explain why people would blame the supposed supernatural elements of that area for the disappearances and not some literal human beings doing a pirate thing) with the film’s opening attack on some fat old retirees in a chartered fishing boat being pretty shocking not just because of the gore, but also in the way that these unseemly old men are just so casual in their nature that they have absolutely no way to know nor prepare for what’s about to happen to them. Caine plays a New York City based reporter who’s adamantly convinced that there’s something more to these disappearances, not only convincing his editor (who firmly believes that it’s just The Triangle phenomena and nothing more) to send him down to investigate, but also absurdly deciding to bring his young son (Jeffrey Frank, who made his acting debut here and then was never seen in anything ever again) down there with him while seemingly giving no thought about bringing him into a potentially dangerous situation which is halfheartedly explained by mentioning how the boy’s (divorced) mother was unavailable to take him on during that time. Caine tells the kid that they’re going to Disney World but in reality, Caine takes him to a gun shop where it turns out that the young son not only has an affinity for firearms but is also a crack shot on top of that (as is his old man). But what drives this movie almost entirely is in the inevitable capture of the father and son along with their introduction to the actual modern day pirates themselves and the internal workings of their culture. They are mostly an inbred lot, but the film takes the time to explain how they are the literal descendents of the same pirates who had roamed the area almost 300 years before, living on their little island without ever having been poisoned by the outside world. They also like to take children as captives (after killing the adults) whenever they raid a vessel, using their own indoctrination techniques to make them one of their own with Caine’s son being personally adopted by the pirates’ charismatic leader (Warner, who winds up successfully carrying the movie just as much as Caine does), but why is Caine also taken alive? Turns out that during their ambush, Caine had managed to successfully shoot and kill one of them, which by their own natural law requires him to be captured alive, held for trial, and then turned over to the wife / girlfriend / mate (Angela Punch McGregor) of the rogue whom he had killed in self defense in order to essentially “take his place” and help her to bare a child who at least won’t be inbred. Meanwhile, Warner is clearly brainwashing Caine’s son to not only be the next great pirate for a new generation, but also for him to engage in a specific rite of passage which would involve him killing his (real) dad when the time is right (and the conception of the woman is complete). If much of this sounds just utterly ridiculous, then that’s because it is exactly that, stupid dumb fun intended to push a far out concept such as this to the most conceivable means possible, at times almost taking on the feel of a Monty Python sketch right down to (unintentionally?) having one of the pirates closely resemble Eric Idle. Through it all we get the sight of Caine being led around by a chain link leash by his betrothed and not one but two major battle scenes which sees Warner’s band of buccaneers take on both cocaine runners (when asked what it is that a drug like cocaine cures, Caine answers “insecurity”) along with a massive bloodbath showdown between the pirates and The United States Coast Guard! It appears that some real work was put into giving these savages their own unique dialect and way of speaking, something which Warner sells with effortless skill but which some of the other actors seem to be a little bit unsure of. On the other hand, the whole thing wastes FAR too much time depicting Caine and his son “bonding” in the early scenes which was certainly necessary to develop their relationship but goes on for far too long and is mostly of a bland nature before the pirates capture them and we start getting to the good stuff. The film derives a lot of comedic value (even as the actors all play it straight) from depicting these savages as being so out of touch that when they raid their “booty” which they’ve stolen from their victims as it would turn out they have some pretty expensive electronic equipment which they haven’t the slightest clue what to do with it. The impression is also given (especially in 1980 when it was still very relevant) during the brainwashing scenes with Caine’s son that what these cutthroats would really be considered today is that of being an outright cult with Warner as their Charlie Manson. But a lame case is also made at one point that these mostly useless idiots are somewhat “pure” in their own way since they have lived in the wild all these centuries and have never been “contaminated” by the outside world as a result, but any portentious ponderings of that kind are more than drowned out by the assortment of belly laughs on display here, none moreso than when one of the coke runners turns out to be a kung fu guy, a development which amuses the invading pirates so much that they (purposely) make a point of sending one of their own against him one at a time (when they could easily have taken him in a rush) watching and enjoying as each of their own guys tastes defeat before one of them finally gets a lucky and fatal blow in. It is moments like that which slightly elevates this from being total dreck to just plain old goofy fun and if Caine (who spends the majority of his screentime being treated like a dog by the woman) can’t appreciate the natural hilarity of this work, then maybe the rest of us will just have to do it for him…
7/10