Ice Pirates
Sometimes, a movie comes along that (rightfully) bombs with both critics and audiences but it also contains the kernels of some good ideas within its story and structure, ones that still strike a note of fresh originality to this day. That description certainly applies to this 1984 release, on the surface a pedestrian spoof of Star Wars that as its title implies, focuses on the notion of a devil may care Han Solo type of outer space outlaw as embodied by a handsome, charming rogue who is certainly a contrast from the stiff upper lip types who are his enemies. The comedy material is partly of an anything goes ZAZ nature, but there is also the impression of a more sick, twisted sense of humor going on in the proceedings even venturing into bad taste at times and for a PG rated movie, it becomes a cautionary choice for something you can watch with your children. That plus some completely random, out of left field bits qualifies this as being Spaceballs On Acid, with some funny moments and some moments that are distinctly something else. In the lead we get Robert Urich, TV star extraordinaire here dipping his toe into feature films and coming up with a performance where he’s half in and half out of it most of the time, carrying the day with his charisma but not looking all that sure that he necessarily wants to be there either. In the Princess (Leia) role we get an offbeat choice with some real Hollywood royalty in Bing’s daughter Mary Crosby, fresh off shooting down JR Ewing in the single greatest TV angle / storyline of all time and now looking to test her mettle with some appropriately edgy material. We also have future Oscar winner Anjelica Huston as the badass swordswoman of the group whom unfortunately is only available for combat detail when their ship is landed and parked since she is also the ship’s pilot and must remain at the control panel at all times, a very young Ron Perlman as the (possibly gay) ship’s cook who also stays aboard most of the time to prepare the meals and clean, John Matuszak as the monstrous stowaway who joins up but is only occasionally available to leave the ship and Michael D. Roberts as the second in command, a black mechanical expert who is clearly smarter than Urich himself. The scenario involves the infamous 1% of the universe holding sway over the other 99% with the simple feat of controlling (or withholding) the water supply. Enter Urich and his crew swooping in to steal the water and fairly redistribute it to everyone else in the universe. In the middle of this, they encounter The Princess who saves them from one of the film’s biggest mistakes, a fairly unfunny “process” inflicted on political prisoners who are summarily castrated, lobotomized, fitted with a white powdered wig and tights and then flung back into society as high pitched slaves of the establishment. That so much screen time is spent on such a disturbing subject in the name of comedy when a straight up horror film would be much more appropriate is a complete mystery for me and the next guy over. After being spirited away from this fate, The Princess ropes Urich and his crew into her true mission: to find a fabled planet where water and other resources are abundant (aka Earth) which apparently can only be accessed by going through a dangerous time warp. That lays out the basic plot, but some of the ideas flowing along with the average parts border on pure genius, most notably in the established relationship between human beings and cybernetic organisms / robots / AI, who are always made the butt of their jokes mostly to amuse themselves since a robot seems incapable of complaining even after getting upended by a human just looking to get some sick kicks out of bullying and disrupting a mechanical lifeform. The robots’ automated responses just make it even funnier, and the filmmakers capitalize on that, reinforcing the humor in this concept time and time again without it ever getting old. The film nearly falls apart with the introduction of infamous left center Hollywood Square Bruce Vilanch as some kind of a ruler of a planet, annoying us nonstop with a groaningly unfunny barrage of one liners and making us wonder if he actually wrote all those funny Billy Crystal jokes at The Oscars that he is so revered for. One the most bizarre things here is in the occasional jarring segue into an actual serious scene, one without a hint of irony, before going back to the goofy, off kilter moments again and there’s also a love scene in a “simulation chamber” where real rain water is shown coming down inside the ship (in a world where water is so hard to come by) that smacks of a glaring continuity error. But watching Urich bring a small army of robots with him when he disembarks the ship, only to have them do all of the fighting for him while he coaches them from the sidelines is hilarious in more ways than one and having Matuszak (one of the most brutal defensive players in NFL history who was well on his way to playing more iconic characters after Sloth in Goonies before cocaine and steroids ended his life way too soon) sitting there watching some kind of an outer space TV Sportscenter show where the displayed highlight reels are actually from the movie Rollerball is both surreal and amusing to say the least. Then there’s even a cut in cameo by John Carradine as the ruler of The Elites (here ironically called “The Templars”) plus the sight of random farm animals onboard the pirate spaceship for no reason whatsoever and you have more than enough for a decently entertaining time if you can stomach the early scenes that are preoccupied with castration…
7/10